growing up diaries 03

 

Regarding my future, I feel pressure. 

Maybe it comes from the outside, maybe from within, but it is everywhere.

The system we were born in makes us crave it, being told what to do. From school, to college, to job- my future lays ahead of me like a worn out street the entire western world has already driven over, and it is my duty to do the same. Not even a duty, it doesn’t seem like there is any other option, because it is what I always wanted. 

Until that feeling stopped.

The drama my life has put me through the past months shows me one thing: You will not be happy if you take life too seriously. Or in that matter, take yourself too seriously.

I always catch myself being so caught up in things which I won’t even remember in two weeks, and spending my precious time on autopilot. Throwing myself in school work, friendgroup drama or just watching Netflix on ends is a form of entertainment I crave when I can’t deal with myself. Because if I did, i would be overwhelmed.

These are temporary temptations, which allow me to sink into a world that isn’t mine. To be blind, in a sense. And those little, blind moments won’t seem bad in the exact moment, but weeks, months and even years from now I will regret not being self aware, because that’s what you have to be.

To find out what you really want, apart from all the things you were taught, you have to figure yourself out. On a daily basis. 

My behavior every day affects the way I feel about myself, and in order to get to where I want to be, I had to let go. Of toxic habits, of people, of things that are normal but didn’t feel right to me. I started getting up early, and using that time to be alone with myself. And with all the peace I found in small habit changes, I felt at ease and noticed that I create the drama in my mind. The way I use my time and talk to myself matters. Don’t take every little thing that happens to you too seriously. Let it be there, let it go. Don’t let it control your mind, because you give value to things. 

All of this takes a lot of time and can’t happen overnight, and I’m not at all finished with my process. Caring less about what surrounds you is hard, because we define ourselves over the perception of others. We want to be liked, and equally do things which are approved, but that’s not gonna make you happy if it’s not what you want deep down. You can’t control the reaction others have to you, but you can control your own mind.

Here are some questions I ask myself:

Does it really matter?

How will this action make me feel like?

What do I want in life, apart from materialistic things?

So, let’s imagine a version of yourself which is not giving a fuck. The self confidence you are building in the process of being more self aware will automatically reveal to you what makes you happy. 

For example, after I graduate, I want to take a year off and travel. My mind is constantly trying to make me plan this empty space or enroll in university earlier, because guess what- it is hella scared. 

Until now, everything in my life was and is timed. Vacations, school hours, weekends- even every break isn’t really one, because it’s scheduled freedom. My mind never was free from everyhting, and it is absolutely terrifying to not know where I will be going and what my time schedule will be.

But deep down I realized this is something i have to do in order to break out of the way designed for me, maybe even forever. I want to travel and not know where I will be going next and with whom, an i know this adventure will give me more clarity about the life I wanna have than going in to the next educational institution blindly. Again. 

And who even knows if it’s just gonna be one year? I say that! Because I feel like taking more than one year “off” would be a waste of time. EVERYTHING in this sentence is wrong!

First of all, what are you taking a year “off” from? From your life? No, because your life happens all the time, and every moment has equal worth. You’re not worth less because you decide you want to do something else than the norm. You chose your own norm, you don’t even have to have one. And you’re not wasting time, because that would mean that everything outside of our capitalist system is not as worthy as it itself. You’re enriching yourself by doing something crazy, because it shows you that most of the things you think are mandatory are NOT. All those rules and values are in your own mind. It’s not your fault, but it’s your responsibility to break them.

You never take a break from life, because everything you do is your current reality, and you will never be unworthy if you do what you love. It’s simple to write that, and I think with this post I try to get that in my own head once again, because those social values do NOT want to leave my mind. They’ve been there so long. It’s time to make some room for myself again and put all those words in action.

It all really is possible, because you can make it happen for you. Be self aware. :)